10 Tricks and Treats of Halloween Candy

In case you missed the overt mountains of candy, costumes, decorations, and party supplies suddenly displayed in stores just as the last firework fizzled out of the sky in July, Halloween is upon us! In the U.S., the event comes second only to Christmas, and more than one-fourth of the total amount of candy we purchase as a country in a year happens now. Are you stocking up on the right stuff?

Top 10 Truly Terrible Tricks:

1. Wax Lips – You’ve had them, haven’t you? You stuck it in your mouth and began to chew only to learn the chewing would never stop and the flavor would never come. They may have been invented when someone ran out of candy and decided to give late-comers the wax puddles from the candles they used earlier that night as decorations. Don’t give these out. It isn’t nice.
2. Popcorn balls – Homemade treats aren’t safe folks. Can you really blame those kids for beaning you though? When you created an invite so perfectly shaped and hard like a snowball?
3. Fireballs – The wrapper says they’re “atomic.” That should be sufficient indication they are not safe for human consumption. Are you trying to make little children cry?
4. Pixy Stix – This is granulated sugar with food coloring. It’s not candy.
5. Bazooka Gum and/or Double Bubble – Halloween is already padding the pockets of dentists everywhere. Gum that quickly turns into cement ensures oral maxillofacial surgeons who specialize in treating lock jaw will be getting their cut too.
6. Good and Plenty – Since your grandparents aren’t likely to dress up and come knocking at your door, you can probably skip on this non-age-appropriate choice.
7. Bit-o-Honey – If you can get your teeth through this, I challenge you to find that “bit” of honey because I really don’t think it’s there.
8. Boston Baked Beans – Humiliated peanuts in a more shameful disguise than that costume you bought for your pet parakeet.
9. Tootsie Rolls – Fresh or last year’s leftovers? You probably can’t tell the difference, and it doesn’t matter because nobody likes these. They won’t be eaten regardless.
10. Toothbrushes, stuffed animals, glowsticks, pencils and other non-candy items – Those taking a moral stance on Halloween may just end up getting “tricked” by disappointed visitors. Don’t risk it. Stick with candy.

Top 10 Totally Terrific Treats:

1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
2. Twix
3. Snickers
4. Skittles
5. M&Ms
6. Starburst
7. Hot Tamales
8. Sour Patch Kids
9. Twizzlers
10. Gummy Nerd Clusters

No commentary needed here because these treats speak for themselves. Be a Halloween Hero and stock up on the good stuff. Besides, won’t you be the one eating the leftovers?